Sonic has two eyes, and I must scream

We’ve seen his silhouette. We’ve seen his splayed legs. Now, it’s time to gaze long into the eyes of Sonic the Hedgehog. For his eyes gaze also into you.

After months of anticipation and night terrors, Paramount Picture’s version of Sonic the Hedgehog leaked online today. Branding company Hamagami/Carroll, Inc. posted its style guide for the upcoming hybrid live-action/animated film. And what it revealed is … wrong.

Clearly, we are now in a cursed timeline. Something has gone wrong, and our reality has splintered off from the light. Is it because someone destroyed Momo? Is this the punishment we must endure for our sins.

Sonic, your face is wrong

Of the many things wrong with the film adaptation of Sonic, it’s the eyes that I find the most haunting. In the games, comics, and cartoons, Sonic has always had connected eyes. It’s something that looks totally normal to me after seeing his face for 25 years.

But Tim Miller, Sonic the Hedgehog executive producer and herald of the blue doppelganger demon, tried to warn us.

“I don’t think Sega was entirely happy with the eye decision,” Miller told IGN. “But for these sorts of things you go, ‘It’s going to look weird if we don’t do this.’”

SHWOO! It sure would stink if Sonic looked weird! Glad we dodged that bullet!

Seriously, I do not like looking at this Sonic. Sure, a big reason is because his eyes and limbs creep me out — why is he so lean and taut! But a bigger problem is that movie Sonic looks generic. It’s just a standard Dreamworks animated animal face.

Say what you will about Sonic, his games, and now this movie, but this character has always had an immediately recognizable style. And in a world where Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse wins an Oscar by leaning into a comic-book visual style, maybe Paramount would have more luck if it embraced Sonic instead of trying to sand down his style to fit into a more conventional look.